A Bit About Me
(And a wish to be seen and appreciated for what I and my stubborn survival story can bring to the rest of you).
I am going to be blunt and speak in plain words with you. Not hiding behind terminology like trauma and adversity and not making anything more pretty than it is.
I was sexually abused and exploited from a very young age. Trafficked by my father (who later turned out to be my stepfather), to other men who shared his preferences for having sex with children over grown women. I could tell you about what that was like, but FB would just ban me. I usually don’t talk much about it, people cannot stand hearing about it, or they just don’t believe me. Maybe now in the era of “Epstein” what I could tell would be more credible?
I did what I could to get out of my situation, which ended me up in child psychiatry where I could not say anything about it, as I was placed in family therapy with my abuser and enabler (father and mother).
Then I was placed in foster care, not a bad place, but also not a place where anyone paid any attention to me at all. The trafficking ceased, but I was occasionally picked up by men I did not know up into my twenties. Along the way I had a really abusive boyfriend. I had my first own apartment at 13, my second at 16. I lived in the streets for 9 months as a 13-14 year old and was a gasp of air away from getting stuck in prostitution and drugs. After years with my abusive boyfriend and lots of other abuse and exploitation, part of me did not want to live anymore, and after having tried to kill myself I ended my up in adult psychiatry, and then I received their “treatments” for almost a decade. At 30 I started to live. The only way I could do that was to put all that I had experienced into a black box and bury it inside of myself.
Maybe now in the era of “Epstein” what I could tell would be more credible?
When my stepfather died in 2012, I had a very strong need to open that box and finally deal with it all. It took me a while to find a trauma therapist, I had to go abroad, none of them I contacted in Sweden would take me on (except 1, but that did not work out for other reasons). I spent in total 8 years with that trauma therapist, we had a triple relationship and fueled by her continuously talking about how we could work together when I had dealt with my own traumas, I stayed on and paid her a small house for her to “treat my traumas”. I learned a lot, but it also broke me. And it nearly took everything from me. I got up and managed to claw myself back to life, once again. Still with my dream intact - to make a difference to survivors.
In 2024 I got a job as a peer support worker in adult psychiatry, but facing the fact that psychiatry was even worse now than when I was a “patient” and having to stand by and watch them hurt and harm people, with not very dissimilar backgrounds to mine, I morally and ethically burned out.
My whole journey through our “welfare systems” have turned me into a fierce advocate for people’s rights to decent help and care and to a fighter for women rights, and for an end to misogyny and patriarchal power over women.
I have manged to study, I have had wonderful moments in my life, I have 3 beautiful kids (all adults by now) and love working with animal, nature, and art assisted support and therapy for abuse survivors.
My life experiences have given me a very critical eye, I cannot stand the systems we have built for ourselves, that are so oppressive, violent, cold, and capitalistic. I don’t want to work I them. I have tried to become a psychotherapist, because I thought that was the best way to be able to be there for survivors, and while I have 3 years of study now of therapy, I am repulsed by most of what I have seen and learned about traditional therapy and feel a bit at loss over how to proceed.
With my trainings in therapy, my other educations, I do feel I can offer an alternative to the mainstream “treatment business”. But I still struggle with how to reach out and make my offers known.
I think I am un-hirable by now, by any conventional employer. With the loans I took to pay for my traumatherapy, the fact that I have no safety net, and that I am still not totally okay from my last battle with psychiatry (as a peer support worker), and the fact that when I started that employment I was not even fully out of the business with the trauma therapist. I can sum up my current state with the words – I am tired. I have loads to give, but I must be able to set the frame for it. I can no longer pressure myself to do more things that will eat me up.
And there is simply no way I can explain that to any unemployment office, any employer or to any part of our system. I am seen as both totally bonkers and highly functioning… and am expected to “just get myself another job”.
I have just had to surrender the lease on my apartment, because I cannot afford it. And while I would prefer that you bought my services (my therapy and coaching offers, my courses and webinars) and my other contributions to this world (my art, my photography, my books) – I cannot afford any pride.
Below are some links to my work where you can support me, if that interests you. If not – I have to be a “beggar” and ask for donations on my “Buy me a coffee” page – because I am a very short distance away from financial disaster and collapse.
https://buymeacoffee.com/katarinat
On my “Buy me a Coffee” page you also find a small shop with some offers.
The rest of the links
This is the link to my home page www.livethechange.se - where you can find some of my services.
You can buy my books on childhood sexual abuse and exploitation, dealing with dissociation and surviving “mental health care”: https://www.amazon.com/AM-HAPPY-Katarina-Felicia-Lundgren/dp/B0F3VX3S9X and https://www.amazon.com/HERE-GONE-Fragments-Partially-Unlived-ebook/dp/B0CJNBDC9M
You can buy my photography here: https://feliciakatarinalundgren.picfair.com/
You can buy my art here: https://darkartmovement.com/artists/felicia-katarina-lundgren/
You can support me here on Substack as a paid subscriber: https://substack.com/@livethechange
And you can read me and thereby support me on Medium: https://medium.com/@feliciakatarinalundgren
And you can by my courses on Teachable: https://livethechange-learning.teachable.com/p/home
I do ask because I think the work I do is valuable. And while it might sound like hubris and arrogance, I am told by others that what I do matters. It is just the part that I need to pay rent, pay other bills and eat something that is problematic.
Please consider supporting me and my work? Many have already shown me immense kindness, and it feels hard to repeatedly have to ask for support. But then again, there is no system for work like mine. And I do believe it is valuable. I really do.
So here I am, asking to be seen, not judged, but accepted for who I am and what I can bring.
Greetings from your stubborn and resilient survivor and much love to you all!
Felicia Katarina